I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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