I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
