i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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