I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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