Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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