yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I checked into jail on foursquare
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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