my phone needs a breathalizer
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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