he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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