I hate all girls vehemently.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
