Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
