So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
