you didnt know i had herpes?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
