I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
