Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
