bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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