Too much gin, very little bucket
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
