If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
