I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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