i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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