we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
