Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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