I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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