My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I need a burrito and a hug.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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