WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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