Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
