Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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