if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
babies were throwing up all over the place
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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