Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
