Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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