every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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