I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
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The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
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The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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