she woke up with a sticky ear
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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