why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
