just come out here and I will go home with you...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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