was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
