Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
