The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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