I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
