apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
