My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I smell stomach acid.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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