the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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