Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
