Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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