how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
