Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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