One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
