Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
