It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
