I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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