I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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