After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
