hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
