He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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