Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Randomize
