Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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