I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
