My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
