I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
