Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
