....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
