i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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